we should get little cesars instead of pizza hut



::::badoom tshhh!::::

how about my letter to the pretzel time?

(please note this is a REAL letter and I did ACTUALLY send it to them!)


To whom it may concern:


Recently my travels lead me to my local mall where I was in search of a high quality leather belt. As I was leaving this fine establishment the aroma of what I thought to be your fine baked products caught my attention and my rumbling stomach sent me forth to the Pretzel Time stand.

After proper evaluation of my options, I decided on a some of your appetizing pretzel sticks.

To my dismay, they cost about four dollars. Refusing to pay $4.00 for eight two-inch' pieces of bread, I settled on a three dollar hot dog wrapped in your pretzel.

I was told that I could have a fresh one if waited four minutes and decided that perhaps the old motto was true, good things do come to those who wait. After handing the cashier three dollars for a hot dog, I had a wish that I just bought three equally unhealthy yet significantly more satisfying items off the McDonald’s dollar menu.

Seven or eight minutes go by and my patience are rewarded with a fresh pretzel dog. "Careful, it’s a bit hot," warned your associate. I decided against questioning her experience and followed her wise words of pretzel expertise. I waited approximately 3-5 minutes before biting into what appeared to be a very tasty treat.

As I bit in, I could feel the hot salt on the pretzel scald into my gums and could almost hear a sizzling sound as I am sure my mouth is scared forevermore. As my teeth advanced fearlessly through the pretzel holding the hot dog hostage, I slowly began to feel my teeth freeze and perhaps even crack while my tongue nearly died. The taste was wretched.

Suddenly I found myself in the position of a highschool virgin on prom night on her knees, shocked and confused: should I spit or swallow? I decided to hold on to the one thing I had left (as I could feel my libs trying to rip themselves free of my body at this point), my dignity and swallow the chemical catastrophe you call a "pretzel dog".

By then I was gagging harder than a bulemic at a chocolate party. Then I reminded myself that I paid 300% the actual value of a GOOD hot dog and this made me gag so hard even my hair wanted to vomit.

I think the hot dog actually attacked my throat and wouldn't let go. Either that or my throat tied itself in a knot, sacrificing itself for the greater good of the human body.

By now I could feel my stomach trying to eat a whole in itself for fear of having to digest this "pretzel dog". a few moments later I think my body actually tried to kill itself in its own best interest. The details are vague at best and my stomach is still turning. I personally think it is trying to run.

At that point I began to look for ways to kill myself. Luckily, I had not yet purchased my belt. Through strong and stubborn willpower to live, I dragged myself to my vehicle where I proceeded to throw the remainder of the hell spawn poison in the trash. Recognizing that this was the equivalent of throwing a poachers’ net in the ocean I quickly reconsidered my actions. One of God's overlooked creatures such as an ant, rodent or insect might attempt to consume this. Even a murderer did not deserve to die that way.


To keep a long and horrific flashback from getting any longer -- the biological and/or chemical weapon was properly disposed of. Federal agencies will be contacting you shortly.

At this point, I would like to make a written request for:

two items off the McDonald’s "dollar menu"
a twenty minute phone call using 10-10-220
10 minutes of my life back that I spent gagging on this "pretzel dog"
full reimbursement for my mental/physical evaluations.


Sincerely yours,


their responce




and my respnce back

Robert,
Being a New York City area native (Long Island more specifically), I was a big advocate of this fine product. Perhaps it is the "Michigan edition" or the Michigan production methods that vary. I can understand your rational of a supplying a superior state with a superior product, however I do not think that Michigan is all that bad. I would hate to see what the residents of Arkansans are cursed with. Hopefully this "Hot Dog Darwinism" does not extend to an international level for I fear that Canada may have more to fear than Sars and the French influence.

In any event, this change was not welcomed by my major internal organs and the price hike was less than appreciated.

My mailing address is
[edited!]

I purchased this chemical disaster you Novi stand in the Twelve Oaks Mall. You sincere concern is appreciated and I am delighted that my colorful feedback is welcomed. May the rest of your days be purged of bland emails.

Regards,




Then I got another email (its at work) about how this is getting sent to their corp manager

 

These jokes are great

i think i'm gonna start my own contest just to hear some jokes

 

Good one trey, I don't think i would have said anything bout it myself... I dunno why you would have tried something called the prezel dog anyway, hahaha sounds nasty to me and i havn't seen one.. Anyway good story!

 

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W,
Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred to related enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition- please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter -- being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers -- be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State -- I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

 

why do women get periods?


they deserve them.






why do women wear makeup and perfume?




because theyre ugly and they smell.




whats strong enough for a man, but balanced for a woman?



the back of my hand.



what do you tell your girlfriend when shes got two black eyes?



nothing, you already told her twice!



what do you call a woman with one black eye?


a fast learner.

 

Three guys die the same day. They are standing at heavens gate and saint Peter says..well guys, i have bad news. Theres only room enough for one more person. He then said, tell ya what, however died the wierdest death can come in. The first guy says , O thats definately me. One day i came home from work. I live in an apartment building on the 3rd floor. When i walked in the door i smelled cigarettes and me and my wife dont smoke. She was putting her clothes on. I realize she was cheating on me. I looked all over the house and finally saw some fingers hanging off the balcony. I took a frying pan and smashed his fingers and he fell, hit the canpoy then bounced onto the road but it didnt kill him. So i grabbed the fridge and shoved it off the balcony and the cord got wrapped around my leg and i got drug off and thats how i died.
The second guy says.. haha i have something that will beat that. One day i was washing windows on the side of this building when my cable broke. I was lucky enough to grab onto this balcony till some nut came and smacked my fingers with a friying pan and i fell and bounced onto the road. But i didnt kill me till he dropped a fridge on me.
The last guys says.......i was just sitting in the fridge minding my own buisiness.

 

since were on the "3 guys die" jokes............





3 bank robbers.........a white one, a black one, and a jewish one, are escaping in their car, when they lose control and crash. they all show up in hell, and the devil is standing in front of them. "for your crimes, you will all be punished eternally..........but since it is my birthday, i will give you a chance to re-incarnate yourselves to live a better life. it will only cost you $100"

back at the car crash.........paramedics are hauling away the 3 dead bodies, when amazingly the white guy starts breathing again and comes back to life. the paramedics ask him what happened, and he tells them about the devils $100 offer. they ask him what happened to the other 2 bank robbers. the white guy says "well last thing i remember, Leroy was looking for a co-signer and Himey had the devil down to $89.95"

 

Watch it with the racial slurs.......

-B

 

whats better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?


not being retarded


how do you kill 200 flies at one time?


smack an ethiopian in the face with a frying pan


whats the difference between acne and michael jackson?


acne doesnt usually come on a boys face till he's at least 13

 

I'm planning a cam swap and need a chain, so what the heck!

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

Their right, we do taste like chicken.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

 

this guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc I have a big problem, my **** is 25 inches long, all the ladies like to look at it but its just to big to work with." Doc says, "there is nothing I can do but I know this witch doctor and IK'm certain she can help"
The man with the 25 inch johnson goes to the witch doctor and she makes him a map to walk into the woods and ask a frog to marry him, when the frog says no, it will shrink 5 inches.
So the man walks out into the woods and finds the frog. the man says 'hey frog wanna marry me?" the frog says "NO!" and it shrinks down to 20 inches so the man asks again and it goes to 15 inches. he thinks 10 inches would be just perfect. so he asks one more time. the frog says "how many times do I have to tell you, NO NO NO!!"

 

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern and you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she said "I remember it well"

"Okay, how about taking a stroll around there again?"

"OOOOh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea." she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all of this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...

I'll follow them and make sure there's no trouble."

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that you have ever seen. Forty minutes later, they collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, he thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet. The policeman thinks, "I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, the policeman says to them, "I don't mean to eavesdrop, but you must have had a fantastic life together, is there some sort of secret?"

"No there's no secret." the old man says, "fifty years ago, that damn fence wasn't electric."

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by them selves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father? "The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."