flii, you arent funny.

 

that ain't my post....

just a friend of mine who posted on another website,
its copy and pasted, there is more to it but I agree shawn's gets my vote

 

the jokes on you buddy...

your the one giving away a timing chain

 

You wanna learn about cars? How about you stop by my place and I'll show you my crank. Or maybe a rod. Do you wanna see my injector? Ever heard of dropping the hammer? If you need some help, I could check out your rear-end and lube your chassis. You are familiar with a dipstick right? 5 point harness?

 

A couple go out on a date & they descide to start kissing, all the while all the germs are crawling from one mouth to the other, all of the sudden, this shiny & crazy germ comes out of nowhere, all the germs stop crawling & start asking questions like " Wow hey man, wow, is this GOD?" the other germ is like " Yeah man it is GOD man, wow!" everyone stares at this New & Cool most outstanding germ they've ever seen, they go "Hey, are you God?" to the new & improved Germ & she says "You could say that, but my name is..................SARS" Everyone is like Wow Sars ohh man crazy!

Just made that one up, I guess it was worth a shot.

 

A guy goes into a bar and promptly orders seven shots of Tequila. The bartender gives him a look and asks "Seven shots of Tequila?? Wow, are you celebrating something or what??" The guy says, "Yup. I'm celebrating my first *******." "All right!" the bartender says. "Tell you what. I'm going to give you an eighth shot on the house." "Thanks but no thanks" was the guys reply. "If seven shots doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will!!!"

or.......

A guy goes into a bar looking quite depressed, and orders 3 shots of vodka. The bartender, seeing something wrong, asks the man "What's got you down in the dumps?" "I just found out my younger brother is gay," said the man. He does his three shots and leaves. A couple of weeks go by, and the same man comes in and orders another three shots of vodka. "What happened this time?" asks the bartender. "I just found out my older brother is gay!" Another couple of weeks go by, and the man comes in again and orders three shots of vodka. The bartender asks "Wow, doesn't anyone in your family like women?" "Yeah," the guy says. "My wife."

 

I like them short and sweet.....
Q: Why do men die first?
A: They want to.

 

clean:

Alabama man walks into a store in Atlanta, walks up to the counter.

"I'lll have an RC and a moon pie."

Guy behind the counter

"You must be from Alabama?"

"I resent that alligation...I resent the alligator! Just cause I come in here and order an RC and a moon pie you think I'm from Alabama, thats ridiculous...lemme ask you something, if a guy came in here and ordered Sausage would you think he was polish?"

"I dunno, ain't never happened."

"Well lemme ask you another question, if a guy came in here and ordered Vodka, would you think he was from Russia?"

"I dunno, ain't never happened..."

"What if a guy came in here and ordered Linguini would you think he was italian??"

"Ain't never happened."

"So how come I come in here and order an RC and a Moon Pie and you think I'm from Alabama?"

"Cause this is a hardware store."



Dirty:

Q: What do you call a 500 pound tiger?
A: A pu$$y that eats YOU.


mods: sorry for overwriting the language filter, but it didn't make any sense with a bunch of **** in it...

 

ok another one (its getting tough to come up with clean jokes lately)

Q: How do you know if theres a polish guy a t a cockfight?
A: He's the one with the duck.

Q: How do you know if theres an italian man at a cockfight?
A: he's the one betting on the duck.

Q: How can you tell the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.



Man and a woman meet at a bar, and get to know each other. They decide to go back to the womans house and have sex, only problem is the womans husband is home in bed already. They climb into bed...

Woman: "Ok, we can do this but we need to be really quiet so we don't wake him up." So they have sex, and in a few minutes they are ready to go again. "He stayed asleep last time, lets see if hes going to wake up...pull one of those hairs out of his butt and see what happens." So the guy pulls a hair out...and the husband doesn't move. They have sex again.
Few minutes and they are ready to go again, so the woman says, "pull another hair out see if hes awake." the guy pulls a hair out of the husbands butt....nothing. They have sex again. Once again they are ready to go again, so the guy reaches over to grab a hair, when the husband turns over!
"Look buddy, if you want to have sex with my wife fine, but do you mind not keeping score on my ***?"

 

Yeah, I'm only 28 but I tried Viagra once. It got stuck in my thoat and gave me a stiff neck!!!

 

There once was a little boy who would always lay in bed and fart. It was his favorite thing to do. His mother would always warn him "Son, if you keep farting like that, one of these days you'll fart your guts out!" The little boy ignored her and continued to fart in bed. The little boy grew older, and went off to college. He took his bed with him, where he continued to fart in his dorm. His roommate would always warn him "Man, if you keep farting in bed like that, one of these day's you'll fart your guts out!" The boy ignored him and continued his business. A few years went by, and the little boy grew into a married man. He still loved to lay in bed and fart. His wife would always warn him "Honey, if you keep farting like that, one of these days you will fart your guts out!!" Of course, he ignored her since so many years had passed, and nothing had happened. Thanksgiving rolls around, and the man was in his room, asleep, farting in bed. His wife was downstairs preparing the turkey. As she removed the turkey guts, she got an idea. She took the guts upstairs to her sleeping husband, and quietly placed them near his rear. She chuckled to herself, and went back downstairs to continue with dinner. About a half an hour later, she heard a horrible scream. She ran upstairs, trying not to burst into laughter. "Honey whats wrong?!?" she cried. The man replied, "DON'T COME IN HERE!! I'LL BE OUT IN A FEW!!" So the woman goes back downstairs laughing to herself. A few minutes later the man goes downstairs and his wife asks what was the matter. The man replies, "Honey, everyone was right. I kept farting in bed, and I did fart my guts out!!!" The wife looked shocked, and asked, "Well dear, what did you do with them?" The man replied, "Oh, not to worry. With these two fingers and God's grace, I managed to get them back in!"


Thank you, thank you.

 

(joke deleted)

What do you call 2 prostitutes holding up a drunk?
Support Ho's

What do 10 road workers and 10 lesbians equal?
20 people who dont do ****.

 

Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: So the dishwasher matches the stove.


Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There is a clock on the stove.


Nothing against women those are just the only two funny jokes I know .

Bryan


P.S. I'm going to be buying a cam package from you guys soon if you want to take that into consideration

 

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the National Anthem started....... the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem ... he yelled, "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.


Thinking things were going very well......the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog....... leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled..... "PEANUTS"....

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"