Tentative Program for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics:

Opening Ceremony
It will feature a re-enactment of the history of the government of British
Columbia, performed by a professional clown troupe and a used car salesman. A
flock of peace doves will then be released to celebrate Canada's freedoms. The
doves will be available in local Chinese dining establishments shortly after
the ceremony.

Next will be an exciting display of synchronized SUV parking. The SUVs will
then be stolen. This will be followed by a large variety of performances
celebrating the diversity of Canada's culture. Riot police will be in
attendance to keep the performers apart.

A separate, simultaneous Opening Ceremony will be held in French. This event
will be lavishly funded by the federal government and will receive extensive
coverage on CBC. It is expected to have a total of 7 attendees.


Biathlon
Venue: Gastown
Description: Competitors must shoot as many spectators as possible within the
permitted time.

Fencing
Venue: Surrey
Description: Matches will be between national teams of 6 or more individuals,
each issued with a combination of machetes, knives and lengths of steel pipe.
Points will be awarded for the most creative ethnic slurs. (Gord )

100 m hurdles
Venue: Commercial drive
Description: Competitors must complete the race while carrying a DVD player and
a 32" television. The competitors are free to perform the event as many times
as they wish. The original plans to include a police dog chasing the
competitors were dropped due to concerns about the lack of realism.

Vancouver Modern Pentathlon
Venue: Downtown Eastside
Description: The event has been amended to include Panhandling, Squeegeeing,
Beer Bottle Collecting, Shopping Cart Racing and Cardboard Shelter Building.
All events are to be performed while under the influence of crystal-meth.

Volleyball
Venue: Kitsilano
Description: Competitors will be judged by the quality of their Physical
appearance and the brands of clothes they are wearing. Additional points will
be added for their skill in selecting the most appropriate wine to accompany
dishes consisting of organic pesticide-free artichoke hearts, imported aged
goat cheese, and raw seaweed.

Freestyle Gymnastics
Venue: Kingsway at Joyce St, (1 am)
Description: The events will be performed in the back seat of a Honda Civic.
The competitor who earns the most wins.


Bobsled
Venue: None
Description: This event has been cancelled because the provincial government
has deemed bobsleds to be vehicles and none of the competitors were able to
afford the compulsory ICBC insurance premiums. Police are issuing tickets to all
Bobsledders for being too low to the ground.

Closing Ceremony
The closing ceremony will begin with a fly-over of the entire Canadian Forces
helicopter fleet. Please stay well clear of the aircraft's flight path. In an
exciting event without precedent, the ceremony will feature the athletes being
evicted from the Athlete's Village, an illegal squat in Stanley Park. The
ceremony will then conclude with a gay Mardi Gras parade down Davie St.

In the words of Mike Harcourt, "Let's boogie."

 

HAHAHAHAHA That is freakin hilarious!!! Well done!

 

I wasn't excited about the olymics before.

I'm still not.

Mabye a bit for the Biathlon.......

 

hahahaha nice!